I truly had fallen in love with this God. More than ever, there was this huge void I felt slowly closing. This seemliness of emptiness was slowly beginning to fade. The beauty in finding the love that fills, abounds and above all the love that understands. This God loved me even before I was formed. I could do no wrong in his eyes or so I thought.
Looking back now I smile because it was truly my honeymoon phase with God. With Christ it ought to be a new life, so beautiful because I kept telling myself old things had passed away and all things had become new ( 2 Corinthians 5:17). Well then, why was this newness seeming to fade away? My inner desires and feelings which more often than not did not resonate with God’s word kept filling my heart.
I suddenly realized I couldn’t get over this feeling of “not being good enough”. Would my first love abandon me because I wasn’t good enough? A lot of times I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I wanted to choose my first love most times, I really wanted to, however my will to do as I please seemed to tower over and above every other option.
I soon realized I always wanted to do my will. My will controlled me, my emotions, my thoughts and my actions. My will was everything! This will was so strong I truly needed to ask myself if God was truly my first love. Somewhere deep within I knew I was my own first love. My will, rather than the will of God was my first love. I wanted this amazing God in my life, but I so wished He could simply take second place. Second place wasn’t bad, I thought within myself.
After all, if I came second place in my class, everyone would be proud of me, even I would be proud of myself. So why didn’t I have peace with God being, second place? Why did the void that I was so sure was closing up begin to open up so rapidly all over again?
I loved God, and so desperately I wanted my human meaning of what I thought love was to be enough however, I knew it wasn’t. If I was to be at peace with God at the center of it all, I needed to heed His commandments, to walk in His ways, to hold fast on to Him and to serve Him truthfully (Joshua 22:5)
Ultimately loving God as your first love comes down to having to lose one’s self and finding Christ. (Mathew 10:38-39, Luke 9:23). Coming to this realization in itself was a realization against myself and I was finally ready to let go and let God.
The end of a battle and the beginning of a journey in God’s will began with a short prayer of asking God to help me conquer this thing called “flesh”. this might sound “too christianly” but that is what worked for me. I deliberately sought God for help and that conversation and cry for help yielded fruitful and amazing results that has blessed my life a great deal and I believe it will work for anyone as well.
Are you struggling to let God take His place as Your First love? Humbly ask Him to
help you conquer self and self-will. Let God know you are willing to die to self and to be alive in Him. Tell Him you no longer want to bask and gloat in self will, tell Him you want to make Him your first love and He truly will enable you to do so.
Author Profile
- Adedolapo Evelyn Adegoroye is a 400 level student of the faculty of law, University of Lagos with quite a level of experience in the legal sphere through her internship positions. She is also the founder of the Vessels of Gold Helps Foundation, an N.G.O dedicated to children welfare and mentorship. Since its inception the foundation has worked with various orphanages and secondary schools to achieve its goal and hopes to continue doing so. She is a lover of God and people. She loves to write, cook and she’s an amazing swimmer.
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